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07 June 2005 @ 10:32 pm
You are angry and that's okay...I love you and I know that you really love me too  
Song: Pur
Artist: Cocteau Twins
Album: Four Calendar Cafe

My father died in July of 1997. I was 25. Without going into family history or melodrama, we weren't close. My parents divorced when I was 12, at which point he became very distant to me, and by the time I was 22, we were both well too aware of how one failed the other. In 1997 I was beginning to accept that this was how it would always be, I just wouldn't be one of those guys who had some strong father/son bond, or any sort of familial bond with my dad. I knew, in time, it wouldn't matter.

But then he went and died. I was a junior in college, and when it happened I was in class. My older brother called my house, and my boyfriend answered, and became resonsible for bearing the news to me when I arrived home. And for a person who I hardly thought about, because it had to be that way, because he didn't like who I was, his death hurt more than I ever imagined it could.

When my boyfriend told me, Cocteau Twins' Four Calendar Cafe happened to be playing. It's such a great mix of ethereal songs, both light-hearted and gripping.

Just like in High Fidelity, all I wanted to do once I had sat there awhile and processed the death was have sex, so I could feel something better. My boyfriend was a bit hesitant, but he went along with it. When we started, Pur came on the stereo.

Liz Fraser (the singer) has never been able to understand, because she'll sing in Celtic, or she'll even sing the damn words spelled backwords, but in Pur, she's pretty clear. And yet the words don't give much (if any) meaning to that moment when I learned my dad died, there's something in the song that lends itself to symbolizing release, separation, growing up. I guess for me, it was having no choice but to move on without my dad, knowing he died with nothing really resolved between us.

I'm not trying to be a "come pity me" downer, because I'm okay. Really! But the song still gets to me :)
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Cocteau Twins